An Open Letter to the Sun on the Box of Raisin Bran

Dear Anthropomorphic raisin-delivering sun:

I remember watching you during Saturday Morning Cartoons, bouncing around the world and lighting up childrens' faces with two giant scoops of raisins for their daily cereal. Not only did you offer a far healthier alternative to the sugar pushers like Cap'n Crunch, but you also showed us that there's nothing to fear about a sun who occasionally delivered foodstuffs at a reasonable price. We laughed together, and we learned together, and many people in my generation grew to love you.

But what happened, man? Where did you go? Over the past few years, I've noticed a steady decline in the quantity and quality of raisins in my cereal. Today, this trend came to its ultimate conclusion: NO raisins in my bowl of raisin bran. At first, I didn't notice. But then, a few bites in, it had occured to me: I was just eating a bowl of bran.

This is not ok, because I am not sixty-eight years old. Oh, no, Mr. Giant Sun, I'm much younger than that. You may think "Well, here had to be at least one raisin in this guy's bowl, I'm throwing this letter away." But screw you, Sun Guy, I know what I ate and I did not eat any raisins!

Perhaps Kellogg's has started using your likeness even though you've long since stopped delivering raisins. Maybe, like many stars from my youth, you got into some trouble with coke and had to check into rehab. Or perhaps you got caught knocking off a convenience store. But wherever you've gone, please, unpack your scoops and get back to work! They're using your name, and I'd hate to see you dragged through the mud.

Scoopfully yours,

dts